The other night, a “Grand Bransle Friday Night!” I was talking with a refined fellow member of Lions Gate about how odd it felt, in amongst a medieval encampment at a fine medieval event after a day of fine medieval activities and entertainments to be laying back in her pavilion and talking on her little “magic box” to her progeny. (rough translation – talking to her kid on the cell phone from her tent at an event) It came unto me that there couldst be some ways to make using the “magic box” less obtrusive and fit more comfortably into the atmosphere of an event in the Current Middle Ages. So I undertook to write this short guide. After all who would wish to be branded heretic or worse!

Appearance would be the important thing for otherwise who could argue with being branded crazy for speaking to the wind, or worse. One of the best defences would be recourse to the divine. After all it worked for a while for even Joan d’Arc.

Now for these suggestions I would advise thy magic box be prepared for usage in the mode of hands-free. I do not mean in the mode of a luckless thief but that the magic box be operated without tying hand to ear.

I. My first suggestions stem from the strong religious roots in Medieval Europe. One could create or have created a small devotional shrine within which the magic box could reside. One couldst have it built with doors that open that are paned with translucent materials and have votive candles within and a statue of the Madonna. I would suggest for safety the use of magic flameless candles of course. The magic box wouldst be in “hands free” mode and set behind the statue so the magic lights of the box could illumine the panel behind the statue while in use for a nice spiritual effect. Such a devotional shrine in a box could be within one’s pavilion, which is why for my preference for the magic candles, or without, perhaps on table under one’s sunshade. When one wishes to make a call, they merely open the doors and do whatever mystic and arcane passes over the magic box are necessary and begin to contact that other world. Any passer by would simply see you at your devotions when you were engaged with your magic box. I might suggest care in selecting the “ring tone” and that “vibrate” would be bad. It might be difficult to explain a dancing Madonna.

II. Of course secondary suggestions bear in mind that one might wish to not be held to one’s encampment with thine magic box. One might go the route of a reliquary or an icon in suitable cabinet or chest that one could carry. Or perhaps a hollowed out Bible, though I care not for the sacrilegious act of hollowing a Hallowed book. Perhaps creating a tome Bible-like in stature that is hollow might suffice or having the Bible itself in protective chest or cabinet. These things may seem cumbersome, but there is a very period solution. Consider a procession. You could process through the crowded encampment with an entourage including monks bearing a reliquary containing a relic and icon of your favourite saint, and of course your magic box. Another monk might bear citronella-burning censer to keep winged pests away. You might also wish to include a personal herald to clear your way and announce and introduce you, a banner bearer, personal water bearer, and perhaps someone to carry your chair. For the ladies someone to keep your hem or train from the earth.

III. If this is too much in the name of portability one might go the route of a hat, headdress, or hairdo sufficient to encompass the magic box and when wishing to make contact with the other world, simply take your Rosary, kiss your Crucifix and assume a reverent pose and beatific look and converse in the safety that those about you think you are in devout prayer. Explicatives such as “God” and “Jesus” and “Mary Mother of God” and “Saints Preserve Us” will actually not promote sour looks upon thee during thy congress with thine magic box hidden “hands-free” on thine person.

IV. For those not Christian, one might sew thine magic box into one end of a Prayer Rug. To take or make a call to the other world one merely need role out thine mat face east and kneel and bow. Remembering of course which end to unroll to the East. Others might make a Mani Wheel and spin it while conversing. One might consider containing the magic box within, but at risk of making the person in the other world dizzy or curious about the whirring sound. Better perhaps to conceal the magic box on thy person and merely speak spinning the Mani Wheel while conversing.

V. For the more secular or perhaps more devout, consider these options:

i. Jester hat, rattle, or puppet

ii. Musical instrument, case or book

iii. Tankard or Goblet (how often do people talk into their cups when they are deep in them)

iv. Haunch of mutton (they always say not to play with your food, but nothing about not talking to it)

v. Pet real or stuffed (everyone talks to their pet though few reply)

vi. Doll (often called playing)

vii. Small Child (it is often considered good to speak to children)

viii. Weapon (what fighter does not talk to his weapon even more than their spouse?) The more devout may use it as they might a cross. A fighter kneeling before their sword might look entirely devout while calling for repast to be delivered. Give us our daily bread… 555- PIZZA

VI. For the more theatrical or the more crazed either drop to thine knees and spread thine arms wide looking wide eyed to the heavens and speak out your conversation as if yelling to the divine from a mountain top, or in prostration. Or while writhing on the ground. Though there are inherent dangers to both of these as Jean found out.

Most of these ideas would work with the phone secreted on thine body near the face. Perhaps in the wimple or lyripipe or the folds of the hood. Perhaps if I be so bold, in yon bodice or ruff. If worn on body, then vibrate wouldst be good to opt for, if nestled in item religious or otherwise perhaps not a wise choice as I have mentioned already the danger of the dancing Madonna or demon drink or miraculous Mitre. Also be wary of what “ring tone” thou choosest. The tweeting of a bird might be easier to explain than some demonic caterwauling.

There is no need to take glowing magic box in hand and speak to the enchantment within while standing in the middle of an event like a beacon to the gods and inquisitors. Instead a bit of creative thinking and work and you will instead add to the atmosphere of the milieu.

Copyright 2004 by Darrell Wade Penner